Enthusiastic Consent & Self-worth

Radical Mothering no. 13

Hello friends,

Last time I talked a bit about negative consent, and this time I want to talk about what really makes consent-based living, consent-based. Like, what consent culture really relies on to make it what it is.

And for me, that is enthusiastic consent.

Well, actually it’s two things. Enthusiastic consent AND an explicit dialogue around hierarchies of power, and how they affect our family, our relationships and our community.

Some time ago I wrote an article for Tipping Points about what consent-based education was compared to self-directed education - my views on this have shifted somewhat. I mean, there’s actually A LOT I would change in that article now. Possibly the entire premise of it! Ha! But anyway, one of those things is this: in the article I wrote that consent-based education was for the most part, still adult-led, and that this was the crucial difference between CBE & SDE.

I actually take all that back now. Because I believe that what I was describing in the article wasn’t really consent-based, it wasn’t really a culture of consent. It was the transactional view of consent: I ask a question, you answer yes or no. We ‘agree’ to do this thing, so we can move on to the next (more fun) thing.

This is consent in its most superficial form, but we know that a culture of consent is way more than that. And if we don’t create this culture within our homes, then we aren’t really consent-based. No amount of asking for consent is going to make you consent-based, without first seeing consent as a mutual understanding, a culture, a dialogue.

And consent culture looks like building a relationship, and agreements, about how we all get to show up in a space, how we get to communicate with one another, how we get to have our needs met (and our boundaries heard). It involves acknowledging this is never static, always shifting, and being open to this. It involves being clear about the role of hierarchy and power in the adult-child relationship, and in many other relationships. Being clear about how certain systems like patriarchy play a role. Showing, and not just telling, our children that they can disagree, dissent, and even rebel with absolutely no material or abstract repercussions - which include the way we see them, or what we think of them. They should know that we hold them in high regard, no matter what they do or say. And that we may not agree, but we will respect what they do or say because we trust them to make autonomous decisions.

Phew!! It’s a lot. We probably all do this to various extents and much of it is a work in progress. And also, some of it is utopian. Like, hierarchy will probably always persist, to some degree. Imbalances of power may appear and disappear at different times and in different ways. Not all imbalances are necessarily bad.. not all hierarchy is necessarily bad! But it can be tricky if we don’t recognise it, and if our children and young people feel somehow silenced or coerced or controlled by it.

And that’s where enthusiastic consent comes in. It’s not always possible (see my previous newsletter on negative consent), but often, it’s desirable. As an aside, I’m renaming negative consent as ‘consent as an agreement.’ This is actually what my child called it when we were talking about brushing teeth - how he doesn’t enjoy it, and neither do I, but we do it because we can agree that if we don’t our teeth will rot. He said, “So it’s like, consent as an agreement!” and yes, that’s what it is.

Ok back to enthusiasm.

If I have worked on setting the scene for consent (talking about power, hierarchy, unconditional regard, and living this out in daily life), then when my child does something I will know they are doing it because they truly want to do it. Not because they feel they have to, not because they have a reputation or image to uphold, not because I’m pressuring them, not because otherwise there will be repercussions. They will do it because it is what they want to do.

Enthusiasm is self-explanatory. My child asks a question and we research it together, and they tell me when they’re done. They wholeheartedly embrace what they do, and they stop when the enthusiasm wanes. I want learning to be this, for them. Enthusiastic, joyful.

They help me set the table because even though it might not be their favorite thing, they truly desire to help. And a lot of the time, they don’t help. And that’s okay too. They’re learning to step into what consent as ‘I get to’ can look like (more on this later!).

Enthusiasm is also a must in matters of bodily autonomy, and I would argue, in mind autonomy (which I suppose should include mental, emotional and spiritual autonomy). Respecting our child’s bodily autonomy, their ability to do what they wish with their own body (while also respecting other people’s bodies), is crucial. By respecting consent around our own and our child’s bodily autonomy we’re setting them up to be able to do this out in the world, with other people. For this to work, we’re mostly going to need enthusiastic consent (which can be spoken or communicated through body language) in matters of bodily autonomy - things like hugging, touching, deciding what and how much to eat, what to wear, who to play with, and so on.

For us, mind autonomy is just as important. I want to create space for my children to feel like they are free to think and believe what they choose. That if they are engaging with me in a conversation, or we’re learning something, they are doing so because they are truly enthusiastic about it. There is no reluctant learning, no ‘let’s get this over with so we can play’ learning. No conversations that are forced. No mental or emotional engagement that isn’t truly coming from a desire to engage. No hiding of difficult thoughts, ideas and feelings because I might object.

I suppose my insistence on enthusiasm comes from several places. A commitment to back off, not control, not coerce. A belief that if we are made to do things against our will (ie. things that aren’t either part of an agreement, nor enthusiastically consented to), then we will resent those things later, or even worse, resent the person involved. That this can lead to pent-up anger.

A suspicion that we lose a sense of who we are and what we want when our autonomy is unwillingly encroached upon by other people, or institutions.

Not everything we do in life, is enthusiastically done. Let me rephrase that. Not everything we do in life, comes from pure enthusiasm, joy and delight. Pure autonomy. In fact, much of it will come from consent as an agreement. And some of this, for me, will be consent as ‘I get to.’ I’m still thinking about what this means, so I’ll talk more about it next newsletter!! But basically, I’m leaning towards the idea that we can reframe negative consent in a positive light - as an agreement with others, OR as an agreement with ourselves, OR as an “I get to.” In the sense of: I have to pay my bills v. I get to pay my bills.

In a course I’m taking run by Sophie Christophy, she talked about how consent in all its manifestations cannot happen without self-worth. Everyone in the space needs to know they are worthy of love and belonging, simply for being themselves, in order to also know they have needs, that those needs are valid, and that they can set boundaries and have them upheld. When we feel worthy, we also know we are worthy of consent. When we feel worthy, we love ourselves more than we fear rejection. We are able to make consent-based agreements and also to hear dissent and disagreement, because fundamentally, we know we are loved regardless.

This kind of blew my mind!! And it may explain why, in the early days, I found consent-based parenting and educating and just being, so hard. It was perhaps a matter of self-worth. Of feeling like I mattered, I am worthy of all the joy and love and belonging.

And that feels like a good place to end!

I hope you all feel loved and cherished this weekend,

Fran x