An excellent read 👏, thank you. My children attend a Sudbury School and are counting the days until their return. They find it so sad how much their peers dread school. I struggle to make peace with children’s dread and adult’s anticipation - it feels dangerously off kilter. Yet I completely appreciate the complexity of the flawed systems by which so many are bound. I really enjoyed this thoughtful exploration of the issue and I dream of a future when children’s voices are heard in these conversations. X
Hi Fran, I’m sorry to hear you have things going with your health at the moment but I am so happy to see you pop up on my Instagram feed and I loved reading this, this morning. Our not back to school mood is: autumn is our favourite month & it’s a time for little adventures together, more time for myself where the cricket season is nearly over (my husband is a professional) and focus on the stress of moving house in a couple of months! I see adultism everyday in online spaces & in real life & this post really aligned with exactly how I feel about it all, so thank you. Love to you & yours. Linsey
I remember being offended by comments about breastfeeding and bottle feeding infants when my eldest was a baby: people were so opinionated and felt justified to judge what others did as either right or wrong. It didn't make sense to me because a new mum needs support no matter if her child is bottle or breast fed. That's the starting place: support.
So few seem to look at life through the lens of support and what is, or isn't supportive. I like to add the word constructive too. Let's ditch 'critical' and replace it with 'constructive'. Comments have to build support. If they don't, bury them, think on them some more, and find some words that will be supportive that still ring true to our values.
Childism, adultism. We're all people. Thank you for this post.
I was writing about this back in the 90s before I ever had children (https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/23562064.pdf ). Then I had children and it overwhelmed and silenced me. How ironic. A bit sad that the conversation is still in the same place 25 years later.
This is a really great, nuanced piece. The analogies you draw with other systems of domination make it all the more glaringly obvious that there is power at play here: we immediately understand what's wrong with a group of men making "I hate my wife" jokes in front of their wives, but we don't go a step further and acknowledge that "I can't wait to be rid of my kids" jokes feed into a similar dynamic. On the other hand, your proposal to think of back-to-school time from the perspective of the children also opens up new possibilities for changing our language in a way that acknowledges both that school can be a welcome relief for caregivers, and a beautiful time of learning and discovery for children! We could say things like "I'm excited for school to start again, you'll get to learn and see your friends and I'll get to move forward on some projects of mine". This allows us to acknowledge the autonomy of children, especially if we also ask them how *they* feel about going back to school (potentially opening up some important conversations) and also show them that their parents have complex lives both in and outside the family sphere.
I’m curious about this point: “And if you’ve lived in the West long enough, you might start to believe that your own autonomy, creative freedom and liberation are in opposition to those of your child.” I followed links two levels (the in-text link here, and then another link for a similar claim on the subsequent page, which said liberal feminists in Substack argue this) but didn’t see a primary source. I’m asking because my doubt while reading this piece is that it seems to be opposing a categorical argument (“zero-sum” is the way it was put in the link) that I don’t actually see championed anywhere.
Hi Laura, thanks for asking this! What I refer to here is what is sometimes called "white feminism," (perhaps not the best name for it, imo) which is essentially a view of feminism that centers the experiences of white, privileged women and as a result erases those women who have always HAD to work outside of the home for pay, and for whom staying at home is not a drag but a privilege - women of colour, immigrant women, poor women, etc. This type of feminism often puts the liberation of women and children in opposition: in other words, for us to be liberated our children need to give up some of their own needs; our freedom is framed as our ability to work for pay, which is a deeply capitalistic framing of freedom. I speak more to this in my convo with Sara Sadek and in my piece about whether homeschooling is feminist. One reference for this would be the book White feminism by Koa Beck. Bell hooks also speaks to this in her essay Revolutionary Parenting. I also love Angela Garbes' writing about carework and the ways this too can be feminist. Does this make sense? I'm not sure I've answered your question.
Thanks, Fran, for explaining the framing, but you're right that it doesn't quite answer my question, which I can make more precise. I was looking for the people who are arguing these things that you’re critiquing. To put a finer point on it, in your linked piece you wrote: “A lot of mainstream feminist discourse, the kind you might see in liberal legacy media or on Substack for example, treats feminism as being in direct opposition to the work of caring for children.” That’s what I’m trying to get a clearer picture of — the mainstream feminist discourse you’re talking about.
Are there writers or essays you’d point to, especially on Substack, actually making that argument today — that feminism is in opposition to the work of caring for children? I’m interested in how live this discourse is right now (you gave Substack and liberal media as examples), rather than a broader critique of white feminism.
Anne Helen Petersen, for example, recently talked about a kind of feminist exhaustion where women feel caught between competing expectations — but that’s different from anyone explicitly making a feminist argument today that opposes the work of caring for children. (Her post: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-great-feminist-exhaustion)
Hi Laura, I don't think that feminism opposes carework and I do see a lot of women, like Anne Helen Peterson (who I enjoy reading!) that talk about the tension between wanting a creative outlet or a career and also wanting/needing to be there for our families. What I was referring to was the silence around the rights of children in this discourse. A lot of feminist discourse around motherhood is centred around women (understandably), but i think what is often lost is children's personhood. And what often happens, even if this is mostly not explicitly said, is that we talk about the ways our needs compete with our children's needs - for example, we might talk about sleep training our babies because we have a right to sleep, without perhaps acknowledging our babies' right to comfort. This is such a tricky topic because it's not women's or feminist's fault that we are put in a position to make choices between our own needs and our children's - it is mostly because of the societies we've built and that we are forced to exist in. Nevertheless, this conversation happens in a million ways in media. I don't want to point fingers because that's not what this is about, so I don't particularly want to name names. I'm not trying to accuse anyone of anything nefarious - simply stating that often feminist conversations about motherhood and domesticity and work tend to ignore the personhood, sovereignty and rights of children. Children are often ridiculed or dismissed or dehumanized. There is often a sense that our lives are a zero sum game: for me to be able to work for pay, my child needs to be unhappy in school, for example (obv not all children are unhappy in school, but some are). So i suppose what I'm referring to isn't one person's Substack or a specific discourse but a general sense that when women talk about carework and working for pay, I don't also see much talk about what children are owed, why children should have a say, how children have a right to consent. I hope this makes sense. I could probably go through a bunch of Substack posts and point to specific instances but I really don't want to single out specific people because this sort of thing is pretty ubiquitious. And to take this back to 'white feminism', I think we tend to dominate/diminish children in this way because historically looking after children has been something many middle class women have wanted to escape from. I hope this helps clear it up. Often writers don't explicitly say "It's either my needs or my child's!" but it is implied in a lot of tiny ways, in the ways children are spoken about or not spoken about at all, in the ways we talk about carework, in the ways we view children and the things we believe children should be doing, and so on.
So, to clarify, i don't think any serious writers are arguing that feminism is opposed to the work of caring for children. It is clearly not. But I do think that a lot of feminist discourse disregards the fact that children too, have rights and are full people, and that we adults/carers/mothers are often complicit in their oppression. This last point is almost never touched upon.
Thanks Fran, this was helpful clarification and it’s an interesting perspective. One immediate reaction: is it particularly feminist discourse that disregards that children have rights and are full people? Or is it societal discourse more broadly? Why set this up as a particular tension with feminism (which from my subjective position, seems a bit like a pile-on; so many expect feminism to do so many things at once)?
On substance, I live those principles myself and I see others living them too, we just don’t frame it in those terms — our children have rights and are full people. I think about it often from a neurodivergence perspective. Too often neurodivergent children, and children in general, have been expected to conform with social expectations that don’t fit their brains or developmental stage.
But I’m curious if you’ve laid out more concretely what you see as the rights of children and the implications for parenting. A lot of things we do for our kids are in their long-term interest and often are counter to their short-term desires. Examples: limiting screen time, encouraging healthy eating. I place modeling a strong sense of self and a roundedness of identity there too. What does your framework say about the desires/rights of a child as a separate person versus the parent’s ancient role of preparing the child for the time when they will enter adulthood?
Look up Defending Feminism and all the strings of dialogue that have happened on Substack as a result of her posts. I find her take to be…not nuanced at all, but she is arguing that women need to be in the public-facing workplace in order to have “power” and to effect change in society. I kind of thought that conversation was dead, but it’s alive and well.
Hmm. I've read some of her posts. I haven't seen her say anything about feminism being opposed to the work of caring for children. Is there something specific you can point me to?
On the other issue you raised, about women needing to be a workplace in order to have power and effect change in society. Which post is that? It would matter whether she's arguing that some women need to be in a public-facing workplace for women to have power and effect societal change (which I would agree with, and can't imagine anyone disagreeing with) versus all women need to do so (which I would not agree with).
Thanks for sharing these, Sofia. I read through both, and I’m still not seeing DF make the argument originally described: that feminism is opposed to care work, or that women need to be in public-facing roles to have power. You mentioned that her take isn’t nuanced. I’m encountering her for the first time today, and reading these Notes I’m impressed by how nuanced they are – and more importantly, how explicitly subjective they are. She’s not presuming to tell other people what to do; she’s reflecting on her own experience. It’s rare to avoid overstepping in online discourse and she's doing a good job of it, in my opinion.
In the first piece, she's offering a personal critique of what she calls “care-focused feminism,” and how its ideas don't work for her. She’s mostly talking about her own experience and frustration with narratives suggesting a demanding career is incompatible with happy motherhood.
The second post makes that even clearer — it’s explicitly personal. She’s describing the choices, support structures, and partnership that have made things work for her. She’s not dismissing care work or saying everyone should do what she’s doing. And she’s also very positive and optimistic in tone, as in this further comment: “I think it’s good to spread some positivity about the experiences of working motherhood.” She’s offering her own story in case it’s encouraging to others.
What specifically about what she’s said in these Notes is troubling to you? I’m genuinely curious about your objection to her descriptions of her experiences and how they inform her opinions.
But back to my original question, I’m still trying to get a clearer picture of Fran’s original framing. Are there writers today — especially on Substack — actually arguing that feminism is opposed to the work of caring for children? If so, I’d really like to read them. I just want to be precise about who’s actually making which claims because I'm starting to wonder if we're accidentally creating straw-women.
This is a really interesting post and thank you for all the useful links. I’ve listened to Eloise Rickman speak and she’s great. In my experience I love not having the demands of school runs and rigid timetables but I do struggle with not being able to take the whole of the summer “off” and so feel like I don’t parent well or work well and it becomes overwhelming at times. I blame the capitalist system, the 80 / 90s “women can have it all” rhetoric and a society that doesn’t value caring in any capacity as important. Personally I worry have I made enough meaningful memories with my children over this precious time…which is ridiculous because we’d have a lot more time together if school wasn’t set up like a rigorous 9-5 job.
I can’t understand (as someone setting up a “school”) why funding allocated to a child can’t go with the child and they then have a choice of learning environment…this way financial support would be with homeschoolers, progressive schools, learning communities, traditional schools and immediately there would be more choice available. Also we need to view childhood differently - you mention the idea of not seeing children as complete - we need to create mindset shift here too as it makes children “lesser” in a way.
Maybe too, the cost of living makes “enjoying having you children around” much harder. This summer our county gave free bus journeys to children u16 and that was a real game changer for us. So many adventures had to find new parks. But society again doesn’t value play and play spaces here and so it all just makes it harder.
This is the first summer holiday in which I can’t wait for my kids to return to school because I’m genuinely excited for them ! Having found a wonderful progressive school that they joined for a couple of months ar the end of last academic year we are all feeling excited and hopeful for September. Previously this time of year has been so hard . One child particularly would be feeling really anxious which would translate to very difficult behaviour so we’d be stuck in this awful place of desperate for time out - but knowing that time awat from us was the thing making her feel so awful. The relief of feeling a calm excitement is just such an immense joy . I just wish every family could feel as confident in their children’s school as we do at the moment ❤️
Same! I'm so grateful for this progressive school. So much better than the conservative area we used to live. And I'm not even "like that" I'm more moderate and some of the liberal stuff irks me but damn if they don't have amazing pro-kid environments
Well put, and applies as much to educators as to parents. In my experience, I have found that adultism is often the norm in the institutional educational system, and instead of decrying the dysfunction of the institution, otherwise excellent, well-meaning teachers (who are also burnt-out, stretched thin, and under-resourced) end up aiming their negativity at their "problem" students rather than interrogating the limitations of the system. Thank you for voicing these issues publicly, the future really is dependent on how we change our course toward the support and protection of children.
Thank you Fran for such a thoughtful and nuanced piece. Isn’t it interesting that when we bring up the rights of children or when we question norms about the way we talk about children, for example, the focus always immediately goes back to the parents, i.e., you are “parent-shaming.” This deflects the original question about how we treat children and makes it all about the parents!
Yeah i find this dynamic really interesting. I wonder whether the fact that children are often not involved in these conversations contributes to the centering of parents/adults? Because I feel like if young people were part of these conversations we would have to make it about them, rather than about our feelings.
This really interests me . Does it deflect the question to make it all about parents or does it just deflect the question away from children ? I don’t believe the term parent shaming protects parents or helps to favour them . I believe it protects the status quo . For example a parent might use the term here that they are being parent shamed because they do feel ashamed and aren’t at the point to process that shame or reflect … but would that be serving them ? The ability to reflect and change would serve them as humans and their children . But identifying their discomfort as the result of “ being shamed “ doesn’t allow the wiggle room for change thus maintaining the status quo . So in that case iy wouldn’t be so much as making it about adults as making it trivial . I suppose the result would be the same maintaining a status quo in which the rights of the child are trivial .
An excellent read 👏, thank you. My children attend a Sudbury School and are counting the days until their return. They find it so sad how much their peers dread school. I struggle to make peace with children’s dread and adult’s anticipation - it feels dangerously off kilter. Yet I completely appreciate the complexity of the flawed systems by which so many are bound. I really enjoyed this thoughtful exploration of the issue and I dream of a future when children’s voices are heard in these conversations. X
Hi Fran, I’m sorry to hear you have things going with your health at the moment but I am so happy to see you pop up on my Instagram feed and I loved reading this, this morning. Our not back to school mood is: autumn is our favourite month & it’s a time for little adventures together, more time for myself where the cricket season is nearly over (my husband is a professional) and focus on the stress of moving house in a couple of months! I see adultism everyday in online spaces & in real life & this post really aligned with exactly how I feel about it all, so thank you. Love to you & yours. Linsey
I remember being offended by comments about breastfeeding and bottle feeding infants when my eldest was a baby: people were so opinionated and felt justified to judge what others did as either right or wrong. It didn't make sense to me because a new mum needs support no matter if her child is bottle or breast fed. That's the starting place: support.
So few seem to look at life through the lens of support and what is, or isn't supportive. I like to add the word constructive too. Let's ditch 'critical' and replace it with 'constructive'. Comments have to build support. If they don't, bury them, think on them some more, and find some words that will be supportive that still ring true to our values.
Childism, adultism. We're all people. Thank you for this post.
Yes, love this.
I was writing about this back in the 90s before I ever had children (https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/23562064.pdf ). Then I had children and it overwhelmed and silenced me. How ironic. A bit sad that the conversation is still in the same place 25 years later.
This is a really great, nuanced piece. The analogies you draw with other systems of domination make it all the more glaringly obvious that there is power at play here: we immediately understand what's wrong with a group of men making "I hate my wife" jokes in front of their wives, but we don't go a step further and acknowledge that "I can't wait to be rid of my kids" jokes feed into a similar dynamic. On the other hand, your proposal to think of back-to-school time from the perspective of the children also opens up new possibilities for changing our language in a way that acknowledges both that school can be a welcome relief for caregivers, and a beautiful time of learning and discovery for children! We could say things like "I'm excited for school to start again, you'll get to learn and see your friends and I'll get to move forward on some projects of mine". This allows us to acknowledge the autonomy of children, especially if we also ask them how *they* feel about going back to school (potentially opening up some important conversations) and also show them that their parents have complex lives both in and outside the family sphere.
I love your reframe on the language around back to school.
I’m curious about this point: “And if you’ve lived in the West long enough, you might start to believe that your own autonomy, creative freedom and liberation are in opposition to those of your child.” I followed links two levels (the in-text link here, and then another link for a similar claim on the subsequent page, which said liberal feminists in Substack argue this) but didn’t see a primary source. I’m asking because my doubt while reading this piece is that it seems to be opposing a categorical argument (“zero-sum” is the way it was put in the link) that I don’t actually see championed anywhere.
Hi Laura, thanks for asking this! What I refer to here is what is sometimes called "white feminism," (perhaps not the best name for it, imo) which is essentially a view of feminism that centers the experiences of white, privileged women and as a result erases those women who have always HAD to work outside of the home for pay, and for whom staying at home is not a drag but a privilege - women of colour, immigrant women, poor women, etc. This type of feminism often puts the liberation of women and children in opposition: in other words, for us to be liberated our children need to give up some of their own needs; our freedom is framed as our ability to work for pay, which is a deeply capitalistic framing of freedom. I speak more to this in my convo with Sara Sadek and in my piece about whether homeschooling is feminist. One reference for this would be the book White feminism by Koa Beck. Bell hooks also speaks to this in her essay Revolutionary Parenting. I also love Angela Garbes' writing about carework and the ways this too can be feminist. Does this make sense? I'm not sure I've answered your question.
Thanks, Fran, for explaining the framing, but you're right that it doesn't quite answer my question, which I can make more precise. I was looking for the people who are arguing these things that you’re critiquing. To put a finer point on it, in your linked piece you wrote: “A lot of mainstream feminist discourse, the kind you might see in liberal legacy media or on Substack for example, treats feminism as being in direct opposition to the work of caring for children.” That’s what I’m trying to get a clearer picture of — the mainstream feminist discourse you’re talking about.
Are there writers or essays you’d point to, especially on Substack, actually making that argument today — that feminism is in opposition to the work of caring for children? I’m interested in how live this discourse is right now (you gave Substack and liberal media as examples), rather than a broader critique of white feminism.
Anne Helen Petersen, for example, recently talked about a kind of feminist exhaustion where women feel caught between competing expectations — but that’s different from anyone explicitly making a feminist argument today that opposes the work of caring for children. (Her post: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-great-feminist-exhaustion)
Thank you!
Hi Laura, I don't think that feminism opposes carework and I do see a lot of women, like Anne Helen Peterson (who I enjoy reading!) that talk about the tension between wanting a creative outlet or a career and also wanting/needing to be there for our families. What I was referring to was the silence around the rights of children in this discourse. A lot of feminist discourse around motherhood is centred around women (understandably), but i think what is often lost is children's personhood. And what often happens, even if this is mostly not explicitly said, is that we talk about the ways our needs compete with our children's needs - for example, we might talk about sleep training our babies because we have a right to sleep, without perhaps acknowledging our babies' right to comfort. This is such a tricky topic because it's not women's or feminist's fault that we are put in a position to make choices between our own needs and our children's - it is mostly because of the societies we've built and that we are forced to exist in. Nevertheless, this conversation happens in a million ways in media. I don't want to point fingers because that's not what this is about, so I don't particularly want to name names. I'm not trying to accuse anyone of anything nefarious - simply stating that often feminist conversations about motherhood and domesticity and work tend to ignore the personhood, sovereignty and rights of children. Children are often ridiculed or dismissed or dehumanized. There is often a sense that our lives are a zero sum game: for me to be able to work for pay, my child needs to be unhappy in school, for example (obv not all children are unhappy in school, but some are). So i suppose what I'm referring to isn't one person's Substack or a specific discourse but a general sense that when women talk about carework and working for pay, I don't also see much talk about what children are owed, why children should have a say, how children have a right to consent. I hope this makes sense. I could probably go through a bunch of Substack posts and point to specific instances but I really don't want to single out specific people because this sort of thing is pretty ubiquitious. And to take this back to 'white feminism', I think we tend to dominate/diminish children in this way because historically looking after children has been something many middle class women have wanted to escape from. I hope this helps clear it up. Often writers don't explicitly say "It's either my needs or my child's!" but it is implied in a lot of tiny ways, in the ways children are spoken about or not spoken about at all, in the ways we talk about carework, in the ways we view children and the things we believe children should be doing, and so on.
So, to clarify, i don't think any serious writers are arguing that feminism is opposed to the work of caring for children. It is clearly not. But I do think that a lot of feminist discourse disregards the fact that children too, have rights and are full people, and that we adults/carers/mothers are often complicit in their oppression. This last point is almost never touched upon.
Thanks Fran, this was helpful clarification and it’s an interesting perspective. One immediate reaction: is it particularly feminist discourse that disregards that children have rights and are full people? Or is it societal discourse more broadly? Why set this up as a particular tension with feminism (which from my subjective position, seems a bit like a pile-on; so many expect feminism to do so many things at once)?
On substance, I live those principles myself and I see others living them too, we just don’t frame it in those terms — our children have rights and are full people. I think about it often from a neurodivergence perspective. Too often neurodivergent children, and children in general, have been expected to conform with social expectations that don’t fit their brains or developmental stage.
But I’m curious if you’ve laid out more concretely what you see as the rights of children and the implications for parenting. A lot of things we do for our kids are in their long-term interest and often are counter to their short-term desires. Examples: limiting screen time, encouraging healthy eating. I place modeling a strong sense of self and a roundedness of identity there too. What does your framework say about the desires/rights of a child as a separate person versus the parent’s ancient role of preparing the child for the time when they will enter adulthood?
Look up Defending Feminism and all the strings of dialogue that have happened on Substack as a result of her posts. I find her take to be…not nuanced at all, but she is arguing that women need to be in the public-facing workplace in order to have “power” and to effect change in society. I kind of thought that conversation was dead, but it’s alive and well.
Hmm. I've read some of her posts. I haven't seen her say anything about feminism being opposed to the work of caring for children. Is there something specific you can point me to?
On the other issue you raised, about women needing to be a workplace in order to have power and effect change in society. Which post is that? It would matter whether she's arguing that some women need to be in a public-facing workplace for women to have power and effect societal change (which I would agree with, and can't imagine anyone disagreeing with) versus all women need to do so (which I would not agree with).
Here’s one: https://substack.com/@defendingfeminism/note/c-143145515?r=qyydz&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Thanks for sharing these, Sofia. I read through both, and I’m still not seeing DF make the argument originally described: that feminism is opposed to care work, or that women need to be in public-facing roles to have power. You mentioned that her take isn’t nuanced. I’m encountering her for the first time today, and reading these Notes I’m impressed by how nuanced they are – and more importantly, how explicitly subjective they are. She’s not presuming to tell other people what to do; she’s reflecting on her own experience. It’s rare to avoid overstepping in online discourse and she's doing a good job of it, in my opinion.
In the first piece, she's offering a personal critique of what she calls “care-focused feminism,” and how its ideas don't work for her. She’s mostly talking about her own experience and frustration with narratives suggesting a demanding career is incompatible with happy motherhood.
The second post makes that even clearer — it’s explicitly personal. She’s describing the choices, support structures, and partnership that have made things work for her. She’s not dismissing care work or saying everyone should do what she’s doing. And she’s also very positive and optimistic in tone, as in this further comment: “I think it’s good to spread some positivity about the experiences of working motherhood.” She’s offering her own story in case it’s encouraging to others.
What specifically about what she’s said in these Notes is troubling to you? I’m genuinely curious about your objection to her descriptions of her experiences and how they inform her opinions.
But back to my original question, I’m still trying to get a clearer picture of Fran’s original framing. Are there writers today — especially on Substack — actually arguing that feminism is opposed to the work of caring for children? If so, I’d really like to read them. I just want to be precise about who’s actually making which claims because I'm starting to wonder if we're accidentally creating straw-women.
And another, in which she is commenting on a Mary Harrington article (read comments too): https://substack.com/@defendingfeminism/note/c-142838589?r=qyydz&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
This is a really interesting post and thank you for all the useful links. I’ve listened to Eloise Rickman speak and she’s great. In my experience I love not having the demands of school runs and rigid timetables but I do struggle with not being able to take the whole of the summer “off” and so feel like I don’t parent well or work well and it becomes overwhelming at times. I blame the capitalist system, the 80 / 90s “women can have it all” rhetoric and a society that doesn’t value caring in any capacity as important. Personally I worry have I made enough meaningful memories with my children over this precious time…which is ridiculous because we’d have a lot more time together if school wasn’t set up like a rigorous 9-5 job.
I can’t understand (as someone setting up a “school”) why funding allocated to a child can’t go with the child and they then have a choice of learning environment…this way financial support would be with homeschoolers, progressive schools, learning communities, traditional schools and immediately there would be more choice available. Also we need to view childhood differently - you mention the idea of not seeing children as complete - we need to create mindset shift here too as it makes children “lesser” in a way.
Maybe too, the cost of living makes “enjoying having you children around” much harder. This summer our county gave free bus journeys to children u16 and that was a real game changer for us. So many adventures had to find new parks. But society again doesn’t value play and play spaces here and so it all just makes it harder.
This is the first summer holiday in which I can’t wait for my kids to return to school because I’m genuinely excited for them ! Having found a wonderful progressive school that they joined for a couple of months ar the end of last academic year we are all feeling excited and hopeful for September. Previously this time of year has been so hard . One child particularly would be feeling really anxious which would translate to very difficult behaviour so we’d be stuck in this awful place of desperate for time out - but knowing that time awat from us was the thing making her feel so awful. The relief of feeling a calm excitement is just such an immense joy . I just wish every family could feel as confident in their children’s school as we do at the moment ❤️
Same! I'm so grateful for this progressive school. So much better than the conservative area we used to live. And I'm not even "like that" I'm more moderate and some of the liberal stuff irks me but damn if they don't have amazing pro-kid environments
Calm excitement sounds IDEAL. I'm so happy for you and your family!!
It’s been a very rocky road , grateful to hit a smoother patch .
Well put, and applies as much to educators as to parents. In my experience, I have found that adultism is often the norm in the institutional educational system, and instead of decrying the dysfunction of the institution, otherwise excellent, well-meaning teachers (who are also burnt-out, stretched thin, and under-resourced) end up aiming their negativity at their "problem" students rather than interrogating the limitations of the system. Thank you for voicing these issues publicly, the future really is dependent on how we change our course toward the support and protection of children.
Yes! Thanks for pointing this out. Often the students themselves are scapegoated, as if they weren't the ones school is actually FOR.
Thank you Fran for such a thoughtful and nuanced piece. Isn’t it interesting that when we bring up the rights of children or when we question norms about the way we talk about children, for example, the focus always immediately goes back to the parents, i.e., you are “parent-shaming.” This deflects the original question about how we treat children and makes it all about the parents!
Yeah i find this dynamic really interesting. I wonder whether the fact that children are often not involved in these conversations contributes to the centering of parents/adults? Because I feel like if young people were part of these conversations we would have to make it about them, rather than about our feelings.
This really interests me . Does it deflect the question to make it all about parents or does it just deflect the question away from children ? I don’t believe the term parent shaming protects parents or helps to favour them . I believe it protects the status quo . For example a parent might use the term here that they are being parent shamed because they do feel ashamed and aren’t at the point to process that shame or reflect … but would that be serving them ? The ability to reflect and change would serve them as humans and their children . But identifying their discomfort as the result of “ being shamed “ doesn’t allow the wiggle room for change thus maintaining the status quo . So in that case iy wouldn’t be so much as making it about adults as making it trivial . I suppose the result would be the same maintaining a status quo in which the rights of the child are trivial .