Is my child better off anywhere but home?

Radical Mothering No. 25

Deep down in the hidden parts of every home educating parent, is this terrifying thought: Would my child be better off at school, or anywhere else, than home with me?

If you have never felt even an inkling of this, or had a trickling thought along these lines - go forth and nail this shit. This post is not for you.

But if you have ever felt these worries creeping up on you, now and then, hello - I see you. For those of you who have thought, occasionally, or maybe more than occasionally, that perhaps - perhaps?! - school, or anywhere or anyone, might on balance be less harmful for your child, that hanging out with you: I have some words.

First off, you are normal. Not in the boring sense, but in the sense that you belong. We have (most of us?) been there. We will go there again, most likely.

We will walk away from explosive behavior on everybody’s part, from a day full of resentment, from moments, hours, whole days of literal despair, thinking this: I am broken, irreparably flawed, irretrievably lost, simply incapable, of living life alongside my child. Like, all day. Of being the main person they spend time with. Of teaching, mentoring, supporting them every day. Of being ultimately responsible for how they “turn out.” Of showing up in a way that is nurturing rather than hurtful.

Here is what I tell myself when I end up in this place:

One: I am not supposed to be doing this alone, and the fact that I feel like I am is a reflection of our messed up systems. I’m not going to go as far as to say we’ve lost the mythical “village.” We are so far from the village (and what even is the village, really?! Our romanticized version of what raising children should look like, in an ideal place that probably never existed?) that I frankly don’t want to hear about it anymore. It is not the village we are missing. It is local community and structures and supports that we need. Other options for care. Not imposed ones, but ones we choose. We need options that nurture and care for us and our children. We need mindset shifts. That’s a whole other post but we aren’t necessarily meant to raise children in isolation. You cannot be everything to your child. You cannot - you don’t even need to try.

Two: It was never meant to be easy. People talk about ease all the time. Leaning into ease. What is this ease? I have no idea. If you are neurodivergent, it’s unlikely ease will EVER factor into your life. If you are part of any group that is generally marginalized - no ease. Sorry. If you are raising children who are disabled or ND or in any way “not easy children” (whatever that means) - no ease. I want to apologise that there will be no ease for you - but it’s highly likely there won’t! Where did we learn that life was supposed to be easy? Like, a cool, fun, easy village?

And you know what? Part of that is because of how and where we live, but part of that is just being a human, and a living being. I’m gonna say that there will hopefully be moments, maybe entire days, of ease. And that yeah, we can definitely chase the ease in our days. But expecting it to just happen, to be the way life should be - no. Plus, boring!

Three: We are brainwashed. We grew up in a society where individualism, scarcity and schooling mindsets are pervasive. Schoolish mentality is everywhere, inside and outside of school. It is insidious, because no matter how much you work to deschool, you will have moments when you doubt that home is where your child does best. How did we get this way? To a place where we question whether your child’s safe home environment (and I’m assuming that your home is safe for your child) is a source of worry for us. Where we start to wonder whether what our child really needs is to go to a completely separate location to thrive? It’s absolutely bonkers. But I’ve done it. Societal pressure, the normalization of leaving home to be “productive” and achieve stuff and thrive, is strong.

Four: I don’t know how we got here exactly, the fact that we have children or take children into our care, and then question whether we’re the best people to raise them - is messed up. If you love a child and want to raise them, you are the best person to raise that child. The idea that we might consider whether a random teacher who knows very little about our child and looks after them in a class of several other children, AND is bound to certain standards that have nothing to do with our child, would do a better job nurturing and supporting our child - is bonkers.

I feel like this is all tied up with the eroding of our sense of self-worth as humans, and the consistent devaluing of mothering (and I mean mothering here as a catch-all term to mean caring for, tending to and supporting another).

Those are two separate things but they go hand in hand.

Our sense of self-worth allows us to feel that we are worthy for simply being ourselves. Not for how we parent, not for how fun or accomplished or organized we are, not for how calm we are, how gently we parent - we are worthy BECAUSE we are.

We matter to our child and our family, because we exist. Your child knows this, and so does mine - it’s just that WE forget, sometimes.

The devaluing of mothering is a huge topic for another day, but it too is part of the reason why the voice in our heads that is already, by default, telling us we are not enough, that we cannot home educate, that our child needs more, that our care is not “professional” enough, that we don’t know how to teach, is at the same time being reinforced by a society that gives care tasks little to no monetary or other value.

When the voice in our heads meets the many societal messages about school and care and learning - that’s when the shit really hits the fan.

I’m not sure what the solution is. We can do the inner work, for sure - but we also need to change people’s minds, we need a societal shift too, we need systemic change. We need physical places and actual people who care. Perhaps some of us need a place for our kids to go - there’s no shame in that. Perhaps we need extra childcare. Maybe we need to lower expectations of ourselves and our children. Maybe we need to remember that actually, our job isn’t to “turn out” amazing humans; they already are amazing humans. And our home isn’t a factory. We are only holding their hand through these early years. We get to sit down and rest too. We get to enjoy bits of it too.

I tell myself all these things, and a bunch more, when I end up in that place. I hope they help you too. It’s so easy to doubt ourselves and assume that the best options can be found outside of ourselves. Can be bought, signed up to, delegated.

That’s often not the truth, though.

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On that note, I’ve taken the leap and am introducing a paid option to this newsletter. I will still write posts that are free to read, but if you’d like a few extra stuff, you have the option of supporting my work.

Perks of paid subscribers are:

• 4 extra posts a month (aiming for one a week but this may vary)

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• A monthly zoom group to go deeper into stuff and build community (I’m still figuring this one out, so it might start next month!)

Thanks for reading, as always!

Fran x