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Katie's avatar

Fran, this really resonates. If we try to be a “good” parent using the models that might once have made us a “good” student or employee, we will look to outside authorities to define our role, and we will see our children as products that reveal our success in conforming to externally defined standards. Taking on “parent” or “mother” as an identity immediately places our children into an objectified role and makes them complicit in upholding and affirming our performance of said identity. I feel like millennials (I’m one, and not exempt from this) are highly drawn towards “evidence-based” parenting info, and I have lots of thoughts about why that’s problematic -- but I’ll spare you, Fran, and anyone else who bothered to read this comment! Thanks for the thought-provoking piece.

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June's avatar

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the outcomes of parenting - aka our children, how they live and act and work. Growing up in evangelical Christianity, if a child decided not to be a Christian as an adult, it was considered the worst failing of a parent ever. Somehow, it must be your fault - they straight up told parents that.

I walked away from all of that, but is what I’m pursuing now any different I wonder? In capitalism, the worst failing would be to raise a child who becomes an adult who doesn’t support themselves, who doesn’t contribute to society (aka make money to pay taxes and social security).

To be vulnerable, I think I’ve traded my parents deepest fear of their child not following Jesus for the fear that my kids won’t get a job that supports themselves. But what I find…interesting? Ironic? now is that people are working full time, sometimes multiple jobs and they STILL can’t support themselves.

Im not sure what my conclusion is other than to try my best to be present with my kids, stay in relationship with them, not have set outcomes in mind, and not catastrophize one of their current struggles into “but because they don’t do XYZ right now they won’t ever succeed in life”. (And by life I mean figure out how to survive in late stage capitalism America…which maybe they’ll decide to ditch that altogether and move abroad somewhere it’s not so bad. We’ll see!)

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