Once again we are not alone. I read this thinking "Can Fran read my journal are they getting downloads of my voice recordings?" Other than your terminology of UCP this piece read as if you'd pulled the words out my mouth. In fact after 4 years of no-contact I just allowed my parents back into my home this weekend and it was a masking struggle for days until it clicked that I need to extend to them UCP and non-judgement. I needed to not let their best actions, informed by old ideas cut off the flow of love for the persons they are; the people I see myself in. It hurts to be hurt by your best friend/family/parents but behavior is not personality but a reflection of doing your best giving your circumstances. I felt rejected by my father b/c he never checks on me especially in times of mental crisis. He grew up without phones and everyone near. I realized I had to extend grace to a man who after 50 years refuses to break old habits from 70 years ago. It sucks but if I can accept what I don't like in my kids and adjust to offer UCP to them gosh darn it, THAT proves I have it in me to offer it to those old people that did their best with me.
School and how they pushed me through it is what created the rift in our relationship. Being raised by a new stranger each year and parents feeling powerless turning over trust to teachers created another rift. But you know what, I now know better. I now know they didn't know better. They only knew fear of their brown children's safety in a country where slavery is still legal and lynching still happens.
Danii that sounds incredibly hard. Extending this sort of love to our parents is just super tough, and I totally get when people decide not to. And equally, like you said, sometimes our parents really were doing what they thought was best, and often they continue to find it very hard to make changes later in life. Thanks for sharing this and I'm so glad it resonated with you!
Once again we are not alone. I read this thinking "Can Fran read my journal are they getting downloads of my voice recordings?" Other than your terminology of UCP this piece read as if you'd pulled the words out my mouth. In fact after 4 years of no-contact I just allowed my parents back into my home this weekend and it was a masking struggle for days until it clicked that I need to extend to them UCP and non-judgement. I needed to not let their best actions, informed by old ideas cut off the flow of love for the persons they are; the people I see myself in. It hurts to be hurt by your best friend/family/parents but behavior is not personality but a reflection of doing your best giving your circumstances. I felt rejected by my father b/c he never checks on me especially in times of mental crisis. He grew up without phones and everyone near. I realized I had to extend grace to a man who after 50 years refuses to break old habits from 70 years ago. It sucks but if I can accept what I don't like in my kids and adjust to offer UCP to them gosh darn it, THAT proves I have it in me to offer it to those old people that did their best with me.
School and how they pushed me through it is what created the rift in our relationship. Being raised by a new stranger each year and parents feeling powerless turning over trust to teachers created another rift. But you know what, I now know better. I now know they didn't know better. They only knew fear of their brown children's safety in a country where slavery is still legal and lynching still happens.
Thanks for sharing this Fran.
Danii that sounds incredibly hard. Extending this sort of love to our parents is just super tough, and I totally get when people decide not to. And equally, like you said, sometimes our parents really were doing what they thought was best, and often they continue to find it very hard to make changes later in life. Thanks for sharing this and I'm so glad it resonated with you!