Consent beyond bodily autonomy

Radical Mothering No. 18

Hello friends!

I recently started a podcast all about consent, and in researching the pod and people I might want to chat with, I realised that the talk about consent on and offline seems to me overwhelmingly about consent around bodily autonomy.

No matter our age, many of us are beginning to think harder about what consent looks like in terms of ownership of our bodies - essentially, do I want to be touched and if yes, how? And how do I ask for what I want? And if no, how do I say no? A lot of this talk is focused on adult sexual relationships, which is so great. This is crucial and important.

Some of the bodily autonomy talk is around children and young people, and how to take ownership of their own bodies when they might receive unwelcome touch, as well as how to raise our kids so they learn to stand up to any person who might cause them physical and emotional harm. Essentially, it is abuse prevention. Also, so important! And so needed.

I love that we’re talking about consent in all of these ways. I love that we’re centering children and their experience, and the radical idea that their body belongs to them.

Occasionally, we’ll come across people who also talk about how children’s bodies belong to them in more ways that one - for example, Molly Forbes writes about how children should be able to eat what and when they wish - to eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full! Believe it or not, this is a pretty radical idea to the way many of us were raised.

But here’s where many people start to falter. Where I’ve heard some say it’s too much of a grey area, and things get too tricky, and like, we don’t want to go there basically.

Because if our children can consent to what happens to their body (bar those moments when we need to intervene because they are putting themselves or someone else in harm’s way), then should they also be able to consent to their mental, emotional and spiritual autonomy? And should they be able to consent to other big and small decisions that involve their autonomy in complex ways, such as who to be friends with, when to rest, what to learn, whether to vote in elections?

Moving past not hugging people we don’t want to hug makes adults uncomfortable. Like, if we “allow” kids to decide whether to eat the meal, do the homework, go on the outing, then where does consent even end? Before long, they’ll be running their own lives all by themselves! Scary.

I think there are a few things we forget about this. First, there are some kinds of autonomy that are deeply about the individual - things like what to wear, what to eat, who to be friends with, what to believe. Exercising this kind of autonomy can be considered a human right, and part of what many people call children’s liberation. It is the kind of autonomy that recognizes children are whole people and can make the same decisions about their lives that adults are empowered to make. It is “preservation of personhood”, as my friend Meghan once wrote. And we all deserve this.

There is also the kind of autonomy that involves other people - and here understanding that consent is actually a mutual agreement, helps. For example, my child might not want to go to school but I need to go to work. In this case, consent happens in relationship; we might be able listen to each other’s reasons, truly hear our child, and come up with a mutually agreeable alternative. Consent doesn’t always imply that our child “gets their way.” We all live in community and creating a community that honors consent as mutual agreements. We can honour our child’s consent while also having our own needs heard and met.

So my point is - giving children ownership over their whole lives, doesn’t mean they will get to do whatever they want in every situation. Consent works in partnership. It works within a culture that favors certain conditions needed for consent to truly flourish: autonomy, boundaries, awareness of hierarchies and systems of power, non-judgment, relationship (partnership & mutuality), encouraging dissent, and Unconditional Positive Regard.

I’ll talk more about these in detail soon!

But let me recap WHY I believe consent NEEDS to go beyond bodily autonomy (I made a post about this, it’s here):

• Consent is also about honoring our child’s right to make big and small decisions about their daily lives - it is their life, their choice, right?

• Young people should have a degree of ownership over their own education - choosing what, how, when, where and why to learn. This may feel super uncomfortable for us, because the question I suppose is, “But how will they make the right decisions? And what if they learn nothing?” These are questions for another day but I suppose trust and relationship and adult guidance come into it.

• Children should be involved in family decisions because they are equal members of the family. They have a right to be heard, AND considered in decision-making.

• Young people should be able to believe, feel and think what they wish - away from adult judgment and coercion.

• We should make space for them to be who they are - and to figure out who they are in their own time. To recognise and notice what they want, and to be able to change their minds on that without fear of repercussions.

• Children should be able to participate in society as equal members, if the wish. This means being protected from discrimination, having specific group rights as children, and also human rights that the rest of people possess (like voting!).

This is why I care so much about consent-based cultures. I care about creating a broader understanding of consent and consent-based education, consent-based parenting and just respecting our young people’s consent in all sorts of ways.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, please consider sharing and tagging me :)

Fran x