It's beginning to look a lot like an anti-perfectionist Christmas (and also: low expectations, anti-capitalism and tips for a low stakes holiday season.)
Please do! I can't wait to read it! And yes - it's easy to say we don't care about success when it comes to our children (well, its not easy, but it it's easiER), but man - deconstructing our own view of success ugh. (she says while trying to finish writing a book before christmas) I'm so with you. It's hard.
This is so great, thanks. I too am a recovering perfectionist.
I was talking to a new school mum friend the other day about why we chose the school we did instead of the ones closer to us geographically. I said the school closest to my house gave off strong academic vibes which seemed like too much for a 5/6 year old. Their motto is ‘striving for success’. The mum and i shared disparagement of this motto.
Then a few days later i was in a group call for a course im doing and the question was posed ‘what is one thing you want to get done before the end of the year?’ And i realised i have four to five things i want to get done before the end of the year, and probably none of them are possible.
So why do I not want to send my child to a school that promotes ‘striving for success’ and yet I myself am still striving for success? Don’t i also deserve to play and relax?
Anyway this is a long comment and I will probably just write it into my own article at some point 😅
Also i am publishing an article about autistic adult guide to christmas later this week and i will link this piece in it ❤️
I read/skimmed this piece twice because it takes so long to sink in! Recovering perfectionist over here! I'm curious if you wanted to speak to perfectionism and neurodiversity. I've found that I have spent my whole life hyper focusing on being "good" so that I can fit in. And fitting in, has been so difficult, that I thought if I could be "perfect" I would be let in. I think this striving effort has been a major cause of my chronic pain as an adult. Letting go can take a lifetime hey?
Omg it’s a biggie. Like, masking is perhaps a form of perfectionism, right? It’s what so many of us ND people do to conform to an ideal we’re not even sure exists. Perhaps there needs to be a whole separate piece on ND and perfectionism. But also, on the way perfectionism shows up for people of colour - because fundamentally, it’s also a colonial tool right?
Loved this post, Fran, a great reminder to have things be okay as they are. Because they actually are. I think we practice low demand parenting though I can see from your post where *I* myself am still trying for a lot of perfectionism. I hate to be seen as unprofessional and so that translates into some fretting over the small stuff. In the current season my motto is : Let it be easy!
We had two ND boys in the house, and were constantly busy with something. When they got to their tween years, we started limiting gifts. For the kids, we did 1 book, 1 item of clothing, and 1 requested item. To our surprise, they were fine with it! It certainly made it easier on us, and I think they were less overwhelmed. My husband and I agreed to get each other one gift plus stocking stuffers. We did a Christmas Countdown that was meant for families, and had a 10-minute discussion or game for each day. My husband likes cooking, so he would usually take that on, but not go overboard. We switched up the meal each year so no certain thing would become "expected." I loved that we spent more time connecting with each other than shopping! It became a nice restful time instead of the usual chaos.
Please do! I can't wait to read it! And yes - it's easy to say we don't care about success when it comes to our children (well, its not easy, but it it's easiER), but man - deconstructing our own view of success ugh. (she says while trying to finish writing a book before christmas) I'm so with you. It's hard.
This is so great, thanks. I too am a recovering perfectionist.
I was talking to a new school mum friend the other day about why we chose the school we did instead of the ones closer to us geographically. I said the school closest to my house gave off strong academic vibes which seemed like too much for a 5/6 year old. Their motto is ‘striving for success’. The mum and i shared disparagement of this motto.
Then a few days later i was in a group call for a course im doing and the question was posed ‘what is one thing you want to get done before the end of the year?’ And i realised i have four to five things i want to get done before the end of the year, and probably none of them are possible.
So why do I not want to send my child to a school that promotes ‘striving for success’ and yet I myself am still striving for success? Don’t i also deserve to play and relax?
Anyway this is a long comment and I will probably just write it into my own article at some point 😅
Also i am publishing an article about autistic adult guide to christmas later this week and i will link this piece in it ❤️
I read/skimmed this piece twice because it takes so long to sink in! Recovering perfectionist over here! I'm curious if you wanted to speak to perfectionism and neurodiversity. I've found that I have spent my whole life hyper focusing on being "good" so that I can fit in. And fitting in, has been so difficult, that I thought if I could be "perfect" I would be let in. I think this striving effort has been a major cause of my chronic pain as an adult. Letting go can take a lifetime hey?
Omg it’s a biggie. Like, masking is perhaps a form of perfectionism, right? It’s what so many of us ND people do to conform to an ideal we’re not even sure exists. Perhaps there needs to be a whole separate piece on ND and perfectionism. But also, on the way perfectionism shows up for people of colour - because fundamentally, it’s also a colonial tool right?
Loved this post, Fran, a great reminder to have things be okay as they are. Because they actually are. I think we practice low demand parenting though I can see from your post where *I* myself am still trying for a lot of perfectionism. I hate to be seen as unprofessional and so that translates into some fretting over the small stuff. In the current season my motto is : Let it be easy!
Love your motto 🙌🙌
We had two ND boys in the house, and were constantly busy with something. When they got to their tween years, we started limiting gifts. For the kids, we did 1 book, 1 item of clothing, and 1 requested item. To our surprise, they were fine with it! It certainly made it easier on us, and I think they were less overwhelmed. My husband and I agreed to get each other one gift plus stocking stuffers. We did a Christmas Countdown that was meant for families, and had a 10-minute discussion or game for each day. My husband likes cooking, so he would usually take that on, but not go overboard. We switched up the meal each year so no certain thing would become "expected." I loved that we spent more time connecting with each other than shopping! It became a nice restful time instead of the usual chaos.
It really does sound restful!!