Oh gees, I love the way the article from the Washington Post highlights the fact that maternal stress is potentially damaging to children! ‘Spend time with your kids (on top of earning money, keeping house and exercising enough to stay trim and sexy so people will like you) but don’t be stressed out or you’ll harm your darling children!’ Extra pressure yet again!
Yes. This has always given me the same feeling as those business articles that are like “how I changed my life by not checking my email/ nor doing admin tasks/ not doing ‘unimportant‘ tasks.”
I also feel a particular annoyance at the form of this advice that tells you ten minutes of quality time will magically make your child not need you the rest of the day!
I read this while cuddling on the couch with my son while he watched tv. I used to judge myself for being on my phone a lot. Reading that quote from Gary Chapman made me realise I had massively internalised his ideas when intellectually I have rejected them.
When I told my son when I enjoyed him today (a nightly ritual) it was when we were cuddling on the couch. Even though we weren’t even taking in the same media source we were still connecting.
Absolutely agree with this. The moments of deepest connection do not arrive on demand in conveniently scheduled slots of time, no matter how fastidiously we clear out the “distractions.” It’s the opposite: those magical moments happen mysteriously and sneak in sideways, right in the midst of all the daily tasks and distractions. No matter how much clock time the demands and preferences of a parent’s life allow them to share with their children, our culture’s messaging that time together has to look a certain way to “count” harms all of us. It alienates people from being truly at home even when they are physically at home.
Years ago, before partners and kids, my best female friend and I lived together. We spent so much time just sharing space, moving in and out of conversation. Now that we live apart and have to schedule our time together, we lament how hard it is to have the kind of soul-nourishing conversations that we used to just stumble upon when, for whatever unquantifiable mix of reasons, the moment was just right.
Gorgeous article and spot on! How can we make more opportunities to share our lives with children in a richly connected relationship? So much is structured so that we set our children in neatly labeled containers. It’s an absurd fantasy of control. And yet, as things stand, the freedom to live our lives amongst our families seems to be a very privileged state. What can be changed to make it a possibility for more families? Remote work has certainly been a great opportunity. In many ways I think the situation cannot be changed without abandoning adultism.
That’s definitely part of it!! I think small changes can be made on an individual basis but ultimately we need larger systemic change.. and a huge mindset shift, I think. I wonder whether we’ll ever get there 😅
Honestly, we can reframe this as “there is no easy way” and “most click bait studies are irrelevant”...quality time, like low fat snacks, a keto diet, the perfect amount of sleep - these are myths and fables we tell ourselves, or easy (lazy) mantras to avoid thinking deeply about our decisions and actions. Humans are just terrible at acknowledging that all decisions have consequences / trade offs! As a family where both parents work long hours, full time outside the home, do I feel the sensual pull of quality time? Definitely. But in my rational mind I can see it’s silly. Have I tried to set up a framework where I can spend unfettered time with my kids? Yes! But we have worked harder to create family patterns and behaviors and traditions that everyone embraces and can carry on when a parent or child isn’t there for a meal, evening, morning, etc. the space to create these family habits is a privilege, and it’s one I value. While I would enjoy spending more time with them, I also enjoy the trips, the treats, the self-satisfaction that my work provides. And my husband feels the same. There are no silver bullets or quick solutions to raising children, and I’m honestly not sure that families in traditional societies actually spent all that much time together what with wars, trading, visiting, long hours of labor, and early death from illness! In the end, if we can create for our children a framework of belonging and being in the world, I think we all succeed.
Oh gees, I love the way the article from the Washington Post highlights the fact that maternal stress is potentially damaging to children! ‘Spend time with your kids (on top of earning money, keeping house and exercising enough to stay trim and sexy so people will like you) but don’t be stressed out or you’ll harm your darling children!’ Extra pressure yet again!
Yesss. I love this too. Stop putting the onus back on women again!
Fran, this needs to be published in the New York times or something! Thank you!!!
Haha thanks for reading 💖
Yes. This has always given me the same feeling as those business articles that are like “how I changed my life by not checking my email/ nor doing admin tasks/ not doing ‘unimportant‘ tasks.”
I also feel a particular annoyance at the form of this advice that tells you ten minutes of quality time will magically make your child not need you the rest of the day!
Spot on!!
I read this while cuddling on the couch with my son while he watched tv. I used to judge myself for being on my phone a lot. Reading that quote from Gary Chapman made me realise I had massively internalised his ideas when intellectually I have rejected them.
When I told my son when I enjoyed him today (a nightly ritual) it was when we were cuddling on the couch. Even though we weren’t even taking in the same media source we were still connecting.
I mean I said “I enjoyed you today when we were cuddling on the couch”
Absolutely agree with this. The moments of deepest connection do not arrive on demand in conveniently scheduled slots of time, no matter how fastidiously we clear out the “distractions.” It’s the opposite: those magical moments happen mysteriously and sneak in sideways, right in the midst of all the daily tasks and distractions. No matter how much clock time the demands and preferences of a parent’s life allow them to share with their children, our culture’s messaging that time together has to look a certain way to “count” harms all of us. It alienates people from being truly at home even when they are physically at home.
Years ago, before partners and kids, my best female friend and I lived together. We spent so much time just sharing space, moving in and out of conversation. Now that we live apart and have to schedule our time together, we lament how hard it is to have the kind of soul-nourishing conversations that we used to just stumble upon when, for whatever unquantifiable mix of reasons, the moment was just right.
Yes to allll of this 🙌
Gorgeous article and spot on! How can we make more opportunities to share our lives with children in a richly connected relationship? So much is structured so that we set our children in neatly labeled containers. It’s an absurd fantasy of control. And yet, as things stand, the freedom to live our lives amongst our families seems to be a very privileged state. What can be changed to make it a possibility for more families? Remote work has certainly been a great opportunity. In many ways I think the situation cannot be changed without abandoning adultism.
That’s definitely part of it!! I think small changes can be made on an individual basis but ultimately we need larger systemic change.. and a huge mindset shift, I think. I wonder whether we’ll ever get there 😅
Honestly, we can reframe this as “there is no easy way” and “most click bait studies are irrelevant”...quality time, like low fat snacks, a keto diet, the perfect amount of sleep - these are myths and fables we tell ourselves, or easy (lazy) mantras to avoid thinking deeply about our decisions and actions. Humans are just terrible at acknowledging that all decisions have consequences / trade offs! As a family where both parents work long hours, full time outside the home, do I feel the sensual pull of quality time? Definitely. But in my rational mind I can see it’s silly. Have I tried to set up a framework where I can spend unfettered time with my kids? Yes! But we have worked harder to create family patterns and behaviors and traditions that everyone embraces and can carry on when a parent or child isn’t there for a meal, evening, morning, etc. the space to create these family habits is a privilege, and it’s one I value. While I would enjoy spending more time with them, I also enjoy the trips, the treats, the self-satisfaction that my work provides. And my husband feels the same. There are no silver bullets or quick solutions to raising children, and I’m honestly not sure that families in traditional societies actually spent all that much time together what with wars, trading, visiting, long hours of labor, and early death from illness! In the end, if we can create for our children a framework of belonging and being in the world, I think we all succeed.
I love that you focus on belonging and rituals and ways for your family to feel connected. That absolutely makes sense to me!