Wondering out loud is pretty much the only strew that works in our home without any form of coercion. Somehow it always seems to take root at bedtime? 🤔
Strewing doesn’t usually work for my demand avoidant child but I think at times it can be more non coercive than suggesting things to do or asking if they want to do something (boredom is challenging!) The demand of deciding what to do and getting all the stuff to do it is a lot. Not to mention that both of my kids can struggle with not knowing if they want something until it is right in front of them. If paints and paper are out on the table as an option with no expectation that they will be used, someone might enjoy painting but it takes a lot of motivation and effort to remember that you like painting and get out all the supplies if it’s not already there.
As I see it, “strewing” has no place in a family attempting to live a life without coercion. Unless you absolutely know there is an item, a book, a toy etc., that your child would absolutely love being surprised by, there is no way strewing does not reflect your own intention for, rather than with your child. If my husband began strewing sexy lingerie around our home in order to get me to have sex, I’d be really irritated by his approach. Why are we not simply communicating what we think might be good ideas? I’m also old enough to recall the origin of this awful strewing idea so I dislike it even more! ;) I’m just sorry to see it has gained as much traction as it has. IMO it has no place in a noncoercive family, unless kids fully understand the practice and want to do it. Coercion is so deeply embedded in families I think it’s important to really be on the lookout for the subtle ways it can creep in.
I’d love to know the origin! Care to share it? Like I said above, I think it depends on the child and it depends on your family. I don’t think leaving something out for someone is inherently coercive, but it *can* be if we are intentionally leaving out things we know they aren’t interested in, or if they aren’t able or willing to say no, or if we aren’t intentionally working on creating a culture of consent in our home. I think there is nuance and there are shades and we need to be honest with ourselves about why we strew and for the benefit of whom. But in principle, I don’t feel that sharing things with my kids is coercive and while I prefer to share directly, sometimes sharing directly can be really hard for them even if they do want to do the thing!
Happy to share the origin privately ;) I don’t think leaving something out for someone is inherently coercive. However, I think coercion is so insidious, and my goal has always been to continue eliminating coercion on the most subtle levels. Therefore I think getting consent makes the most sense. “Hey, are you okay if I leave out a project, book, craft etc that I’m guessing you might like, as a kind of “no obligation” surprise… or would you rather be the one in charge of choosing on your own what you’d like? “ As I understood the original intention it was more of a way to get your kid into the things you thought would be valuable. Similar issues come into play at gift giving holidays.:/
I feel the same way about strewing! I offer a lot of things, do tons of verbal strewing and strew free things or things we have around the house. But I’m only now starting to be able to not have an agenda. I’ll also buy most things they ask for to support their interests.
Yeah it’s so hard right? Because we all, to an extent, have an agenda and we might get good at perhaps not being attached to it, but you can’t walk around entirely devoid of one!
Wondering out loud is pretty much the only strew that works in our home without any form of coercion. Somehow it always seems to take root at bedtime? 🤔
Hahahah we have massive wondering out loud sessions at bedtime too!! Much to my annoyance because I am DONE by then 😂
Strewing doesn’t usually work for my demand avoidant child but I think at times it can be more non coercive than suggesting things to do or asking if they want to do something (boredom is challenging!) The demand of deciding what to do and getting all the stuff to do it is a lot. Not to mention that both of my kids can struggle with not knowing if they want something until it is right in front of them. If paints and paper are out on the table as an option with no expectation that they will be used, someone might enjoy painting but it takes a lot of motivation and effort to remember that you like painting and get out all the supplies if it’s not already there.
Yes totally. This is when strewing works for us too - when it makes it easier to do the thing we already want to do, but find it challenging to begin!
As I see it, “strewing” has no place in a family attempting to live a life without coercion. Unless you absolutely know there is an item, a book, a toy etc., that your child would absolutely love being surprised by, there is no way strewing does not reflect your own intention for, rather than with your child. If my husband began strewing sexy lingerie around our home in order to get me to have sex, I’d be really irritated by his approach. Why are we not simply communicating what we think might be good ideas? I’m also old enough to recall the origin of this awful strewing idea so I dislike it even more! ;) I’m just sorry to see it has gained as much traction as it has. IMO it has no place in a noncoercive family, unless kids fully understand the practice and want to do it. Coercion is so deeply embedded in families I think it’s important to really be on the lookout for the subtle ways it can creep in.
I’d love to know the origin! Care to share it? Like I said above, I think it depends on the child and it depends on your family. I don’t think leaving something out for someone is inherently coercive, but it *can* be if we are intentionally leaving out things we know they aren’t interested in, or if they aren’t able or willing to say no, or if we aren’t intentionally working on creating a culture of consent in our home. I think there is nuance and there are shades and we need to be honest with ourselves about why we strew and for the benefit of whom. But in principle, I don’t feel that sharing things with my kids is coercive and while I prefer to share directly, sometimes sharing directly can be really hard for them even if they do want to do the thing!
Happy to share the origin privately ;) I don’t think leaving something out for someone is inherently coercive. However, I think coercion is so insidious, and my goal has always been to continue eliminating coercion on the most subtle levels. Therefore I think getting consent makes the most sense. “Hey, are you okay if I leave out a project, book, craft etc that I’m guessing you might like, as a kind of “no obligation” surprise… or would you rather be the one in charge of choosing on your own what you’d like? “ As I understood the original intention it was more of a way to get your kid into the things you thought would be valuable. Similar issues come into play at gift giving holidays.:/
I feel the same way about strewing! I offer a lot of things, do tons of verbal strewing and strew free things or things we have around the house. But I’m only now starting to be able to not have an agenda. I’ll also buy most things they ask for to support their interests.
Yeah it’s so hard right? Because we all, to an extent, have an agenda and we might get good at perhaps not being attached to it, but you can’t walk around entirely devoid of one!
Fran, reading through this, I came up with some ideas for later on in May...
Seed packets, anyone?