We need to stop sharing our children online

Regardless of their consent, at times.

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I’ve been watching Season 2 of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. In my defence, I don’t watch much tv at all, and I am really not a reality tv watcher. For some reason though, I’m glued to my screen when it comes to this show. Perhaps it’s the tradwife element? Or the weird mix of religion but also girl-boss feminism?

Anyway, Season 1 was full of everybody’s children. All the women put their kids online. They are absolutely not alone. There are SO many big and small accounts out there who put children’s faces, names, and private moments online. It’s all out there.

I used to do this too. My account was tiny, so I suppose it mattered less. But the intention was the same: I was ignorant of what it might mean to share my children’s daily lives online, AND I was also not willing to interrogate why I would make my own account about my children (who are not me, who are their own people).

As someone who often writes about my children because I write about children and mothering, it’s a tricky line to tread. It is not black and white, there is complexity here. I do share some stories on here. I am forever thinking about the future: what will my children think, if they ever go back and read what I wrote about them?

I do still share pictures like this one (on Substack) - not recognisable, from the back and at a distance. Is this okay? I don’t know, but it feels okay for now.

I regret some of my sharing, and I’m always negotiating ways around this conundrum: how do I write about my experience without telling my children’s story for them?

However, I now draw the line at posting pictures of my children online without their consent, and sometimes even with it. I draw the line at sharing information, especially personal information like intimiate moments or diagnoses, without their consent and even sometimes with it.

In my book, I mention in the Introduction that in order to share personal stories but also not infringe on my children’s experiences, I make my children into characters in my book at times, modifying their stories so that I’m still able to convey an authentic point without actually co-opting their experience. A bit like non-fiction writers might change details of anonymous sources but still try to preserve the fundamental meaning of their story.

One question that comes up a lot for me is, can young children really consent to having a picture or piece of information shared about them online?

Should we just not even be asking?

Are young children able to fully understand what it means to share their likeness on social media, when they don’t know how social media works and that it’s always changing?

I’m wary of saying that young children cannot consent, because we know from research and experience that many children can. And so often, I land in a place of not wanting to put my children in that position to begin with.

My concerns are also bigger than that. Is sharing our children’s pictures online a bit like selling their pictures to Meta? Remember, we are literally the product for social media companies. They are selling us. Are we willing to make our children’s images into something to be bought and sold?

I have become kind of extreme about this. I do not share pictures of my children’s faces on social media. I don’t even ask for their consent anymore: I just don’t do it. They are old enough now to be able to understand some of the repercussions, and still I will only very occasionally share a recognisable picture of them, and it will mostly be on Substack not on social media, and always with their consent. I’m still very aware of the power I hold as an adult, as someone who is able to take a picture and share it. Most of the time, I don’t even ask, and I don’t share.

But back to Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Season 2. The most prominent children in this season are a 1 year old baby, and a toddler. Is this a coincidence, or does this betray our assumptions that we think we can get away with sharing our babies online because.. well, they’re babies and what can they do about it?

There seems to be an assumption that as children get older they have a right to more privacy, perhaps stemming from the prevaling idea that older children are somehow more of a full person.

This is a really common understanding, and so flawed. Many of us know that children are full people at birth. Yes, people change as they grow. But at no point are they less human or more human. Babies have rights too.

I don’t mean to come across as dogmatic. I think there is definitely nuance here. But I do want to point out that babies are really not able to consent to being put online, and so if anything we should be protecting them the most. And yet many of us take this to mean we can do with their pictures whatever we want.

As children grow and are more able to say no, then some of us realise that perhaps this is not okay. Thing is, it was never okay.

mom.uncharted

A post shared by @mom.uncharted

Of course, the dangers of placing our children online are multiple - there are lots of accounts (like the one above!) that are raising awareness of issues such as exploitation, AI images, grooming, and more.

But for me, those dangers are secondary.

My primary concern is my child’s inability or unwillingness to consent. For me, my reluctance to even ask for consent if I feel there is a power dynamic that makes consent impossible, comes first.

How do you feel about putting children on social media?

I do not have a private account, but if you do does that feel safer?

Do you share pictures and stories, and do you have boundaries around what you share?

I’d love to know!

Thanks for reading, as always, and for supporting my writing.

Fran x