Whoah... this article. We're in the midst of "school refusal" with my 6yo, and I had a breathtaking moment last week that stopped me in my tracks. I saw my child's "school refusal" as an invitation to heal. His resistance has been inviting me to consider that my younger self who felt she had to "perform" the role of student throughout all my schooling should never have had to do that. He's embodying the knowing that school doesn't feel good, and demanding that I not subject him to that. And I'm listening to him, BELIEVING him. Whew... and to be reminded that this is a form of resistance is the very reminder I needed this week. "Believing is the opposite of gaslighting." I have goosebumps reading this.
I have an adult friend who tells me I'm lucky and rare, in that I genuinely love what I do (tutoring homeschoolers). She says that most people, like herself, go to work because they have to, but get little pleasure out of it. Of course, I know SOME people like that, but if it's the majority, how sad! I have seen nieces and nephews go through traditional school and come out with no idea what they want to do. I try to convince parents to let their kids make more choices but outside the homeschool world, it seems to be a foreign concept. Thanks for bringing this up. We need to keep up the gentle push for people to think about a different approach to learning.
Totally. I see a lot of “you have to do xyz for your resume/CV” and “you need xyz to get into college” and just so much unquestioning acceptance by parents and so much micro-managing of children, especially teens, but all ages really. It just continue the same cycle of putting up with things that are potentially toxic because we have been raised to believe they are true and the only way, and we now believe it ourselves. I still remember how I felt as a child and I think it would do people good to hold on to those memories of essentially being told that your resistance is a deficit rather than a sign that things are messed up (and that you are actually behaving appropriately).
Another great essay. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conversation with myself when I read your writing, as you articulate ideas that have been brewing in a different form in my head.
This post not only struck me to stop and soak it up, it came to my inbox at a time when I was in the middle of talking to myself about my father's gaslighting. I was steaming with anger after listening to him gaslight my 5 year old. Not believing my son could prepare their own breakfast of waffles and fresh fruit (which I'd literally just recorded video of for our podcast TikTok channel), he proceeded to tell my son "You can not do that!" in a tone that very much implied you are too young, you are telling stories and “ha ha ha what a jokester you are”!
As a grown woman I was as livid as he made me feel as a child.
My father gaslit me my entire childhood including leading me to believe I did not have a sister, a child he brought around infrequently. His constant gaslighting led me to question my own sanity in my teen years.
I didn't have the most open minded family being a first generation Caribbean. They raised us to believe honesty was disrespectful and lies or cover ups were a sign of respect. However getting caught in a lie was grounds for a beating. This led me not only to a life of absolute candor but one where I was also never believed. I argued with adults regularly to help them see my logic and my truth. I argued desperately to be believed because I equally feared the consequences of lying.
Eventually I learned to keep dangerous life events quiet and suffered in silence when I was not asked a direct question. Why bother bringing THE TRUTH up when I wasn't going to be believed anyway. Except one day I attempted to talk to my father about something that was deeply bothering me. With no other adult in my family to talk to without fear of a belt or pot or fist coming for my head, I'd hoped I get a gas filled joke out of him to make me feel better or help me let it go with the understand of "it's not that serious". But instead what I got was a fear response so deep my father threatened to send me away to a nunnery. I didn't know what gaslighting was as child. I didn't fully understand how much further than not being believed it could cut into your soul. I clammed up after that. Keeping all things to myself. When raped, when solicited by grown men, when struggling with anything my parents could not see or refused to see. I stopped speaking to them all and focused on my college escape.
In Elementary School & High School it was no different. Not only were we not believed but we were punished collectively for the annoyance teachers felt about one student or the other. I can't even say misbehavior of other students, because that for some reason was left alone. For example when I was brutally beaten by a boy much larger than myself I was made to suffer the consequences of floor seated hallway detentions. No one believed me that he attacked me.
What’s worse of all when it comes to schools not believing kids is when children are thirsty and need water. They are left dehydrated and punished for their sluggish minds. When children are not believed when they need to use the restroom. They are left to wet or worse themselves and get blamed for lack of personal control. When children are not believed about having allergies to foods or other. They are left sick and suffering in class while being blamed for faking their own allergy reactions.
I remember wishing I could fake illness or allergy symptoms. I thought if I could LOOK SICK I would be believed. But fear of being accused of lying (not being believed x10) led me to mask wheat and dairy intolerance suffering daily after lunch with stomach pains, nauseousness and lightheaded spells. I remember forcing myself to show no weakness knowing I either would not be believed or worse be accused of lying which came with physical harm.
I have gotten back lash from social media trolls saying comparing schools to prisons is dangerous but where else is a person not believed, punished for the fallout of not being believed, gaslit then punished again? Sounds like an episode of “Orange Is The New Black” to me when I recount my school years. I even feel all the feelings of fear of not being believed as I write this.
So Thank You for this Fran. I appreciate your absolute candor!
Thank you for sharing your story Danii, you seem to have gone through an incredible amount of gaslighting and hardship. I cant imagine how tough it must have been and I can see how it must be super triggering to see this happening to your own child.
Indeed Fran, and I am very grateful 🙏🏽 for your eloquent address of this matter. I'd been struggling to pin point and name this trigger. Not being believed for so long you learn to not even believe yourself. But healing is happening.
Whoah... this article. We're in the midst of "school refusal" with my 6yo, and I had a breathtaking moment last week that stopped me in my tracks. I saw my child's "school refusal" as an invitation to heal. His resistance has been inviting me to consider that my younger self who felt she had to "perform" the role of student throughout all my schooling should never have had to do that. He's embodying the knowing that school doesn't feel good, and demanding that I not subject him to that. And I'm listening to him, BELIEVING him. Whew... and to be reminded that this is a form of resistance is the very reminder I needed this week. "Believing is the opposite of gaslighting." I have goosebumps reading this.
Thanks for sharing your experience and what you’re navigating right now Chrissy. I love hearing about your moment of recognition.
I have an adult friend who tells me I'm lucky and rare, in that I genuinely love what I do (tutoring homeschoolers). She says that most people, like herself, go to work because they have to, but get little pleasure out of it. Of course, I know SOME people like that, but if it's the majority, how sad! I have seen nieces and nephews go through traditional school and come out with no idea what they want to do. I try to convince parents to let their kids make more choices but outside the homeschool world, it seems to be a foreign concept. Thanks for bringing this up. We need to keep up the gentle push for people to think about a different approach to learning.
Totally. I see a lot of “you have to do xyz for your resume/CV” and “you need xyz to get into college” and just so much unquestioning acceptance by parents and so much micro-managing of children, especially teens, but all ages really. It just continue the same cycle of putting up with things that are potentially toxic because we have been raised to believe they are true and the only way, and we now believe it ourselves. I still remember how I felt as a child and I think it would do people good to hold on to those memories of essentially being told that your resistance is a deficit rather than a sign that things are messed up (and that you are actually behaving appropriately).
Another great essay. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conversation with myself when I read your writing, as you articulate ideas that have been brewing in a different form in my head.
Thanks Antonio!!
This post not only struck me to stop and soak it up, it came to my inbox at a time when I was in the middle of talking to myself about my father's gaslighting. I was steaming with anger after listening to him gaslight my 5 year old. Not believing my son could prepare their own breakfast of waffles and fresh fruit (which I'd literally just recorded video of for our podcast TikTok channel), he proceeded to tell my son "You can not do that!" in a tone that very much implied you are too young, you are telling stories and “ha ha ha what a jokester you are”!
As a grown woman I was as livid as he made me feel as a child.
My father gaslit me my entire childhood including leading me to believe I did not have a sister, a child he brought around infrequently. His constant gaslighting led me to question my own sanity in my teen years.
I didn't have the most open minded family being a first generation Caribbean. They raised us to believe honesty was disrespectful and lies or cover ups were a sign of respect. However getting caught in a lie was grounds for a beating. This led me not only to a life of absolute candor but one where I was also never believed. I argued with adults regularly to help them see my logic and my truth. I argued desperately to be believed because I equally feared the consequences of lying.
Eventually I learned to keep dangerous life events quiet and suffered in silence when I was not asked a direct question. Why bother bringing THE TRUTH up when I wasn't going to be believed anyway. Except one day I attempted to talk to my father about something that was deeply bothering me. With no other adult in my family to talk to without fear of a belt or pot or fist coming for my head, I'd hoped I get a gas filled joke out of him to make me feel better or help me let it go with the understand of "it's not that serious". But instead what I got was a fear response so deep my father threatened to send me away to a nunnery. I didn't know what gaslighting was as child. I didn't fully understand how much further than not being believed it could cut into your soul. I clammed up after that. Keeping all things to myself. When raped, when solicited by grown men, when struggling with anything my parents could not see or refused to see. I stopped speaking to them all and focused on my college escape.
In Elementary School & High School it was no different. Not only were we not believed but we were punished collectively for the annoyance teachers felt about one student or the other. I can't even say misbehavior of other students, because that for some reason was left alone. For example when I was brutally beaten by a boy much larger than myself I was made to suffer the consequences of floor seated hallway detentions. No one believed me that he attacked me.
What’s worse of all when it comes to schools not believing kids is when children are thirsty and need water. They are left dehydrated and punished for their sluggish minds. When children are not believed when they need to use the restroom. They are left to wet or worse themselves and get blamed for lack of personal control. When children are not believed about having allergies to foods or other. They are left sick and suffering in class while being blamed for faking their own allergy reactions.
I remember wishing I could fake illness or allergy symptoms. I thought if I could LOOK SICK I would be believed. But fear of being accused of lying (not being believed x10) led me to mask wheat and dairy intolerance suffering daily after lunch with stomach pains, nauseousness and lightheaded spells. I remember forcing myself to show no weakness knowing I either would not be believed or worse be accused of lying which came with physical harm.
I have gotten back lash from social media trolls saying comparing schools to prisons is dangerous but where else is a person not believed, punished for the fallout of not being believed, gaslit then punished again? Sounds like an episode of “Orange Is The New Black” to me when I recount my school years. I even feel all the feelings of fear of not being believed as I write this.
So Thank You for this Fran. I appreciate your absolute candor!
Thank you for sharing your story Danii, you seem to have gone through an incredible amount of gaslighting and hardship. I cant imagine how tough it must have been and I can see how it must be super triggering to see this happening to your own child.
Indeed Fran, and I am very grateful 🙏🏽 for your eloquent address of this matter. I'd been struggling to pin point and name this trigger. Not being believed for so long you learn to not even believe yourself. But healing is happening.