When school is harmful

And home education is the only option (Part 1).

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Hello friends!

Today, I’m writing a bit about the ways that school can harm children.

I think we can all agree that if school is harming our child, then it is not only NOT doing the job most of us believe it should be doing, but it’s also a place that should not expect our child to exist in it.

I have spent the past couple weeks gathering people’s stories about the ways school has been harmful to either themselves or their child.

Note: all names below are pseudonyms to protect people’s privacy.

In this piece I write/talk about:

• the coercion baked into school, and specifically why I think this is a problem

• whether home education/life without school is ever a choice

• the stories people have shared about why they felt pushed out of school or forced to home educate

• whether our standards of what is ‘good enough’ for our children have shifted

It can be both

I recognise it can feel very very triggering to talk about the harms of schooling. Many of us either don’t want to, or simply don’t have the time or space or resources to be able to reflect on any potential harms to our children, or any harm that was perhaps done to us.

Many of us are convinced that any harm was ultimately warranted because “we turned out fine.” I suppose I would say that if you at any point believe that the ends justify the means, then that is problematic in itself. And that if you in fact believe that being harmed as a child is okay if you turned out fine (which in itself is debatable), then what I see here is not someone who turned out fine, but someone who was and remains complicit in the oppression of young people.

I’m going to split this piece into 2 parts, so that it’s not too huge and unmanageable for me to write, and for you to read.

Part 1 will be about the many reasons why parents feel pushed out of the school system; Part 2 will be about the result of this departure and how we end up dealing with it.

The first thing I feel we all need to acknowledge is that school and schooling do in fact have the potential to cause harm, and that we have loads of evidence that they actively harm children. This is simply a fact, and we shouldn’t shy away from it in the same way we don’t shy away from the potential harms of homeschooling.

Many things can be true at once: school can be life-saving, it can be just okay, and it can be a place where kids are happy enough, learn just enough, and do well enough, and it can also be a place where kids thrive, AND for some it can be a stressful, harmful, and sometimes dangerous place.

We are going to hold all of these truths because they are all valid. This piece, however, is about the latter: the harm that school does.

untigering

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At the root is coercion

I want to start from the most basic level that, to an extent, may impact every single person (yes, even the adults), who walk into a mainstream school: the idea and practice of schooling is fundamentally coercive. (And when I say this, I mean public AND private. Private schools are not in any way inherently less harmful, unless they explicitly refuse to coerce, which is rare.)

Let me explain what I mean when I say that school is coercive. Coercion exists when someone or something is compelling a person to behave in a specific way against their will, through the use of mechanisms like bribery, rewards, fear and other forms of pressure - whether it is violent or not.

John Holt said in a speech that schools “are bad because they start with an essentially bad idea, not just mistaken or impossible, but bad in the sense of morally wrong, that some people have or ought to have the right to determine what a lot of other people know and think.” He felt that school reform was pointless because the very basis of schooling was domination, coercion. I don’t know if it’s quite so black and white for me, but I share the same preoccupation with the way force is baked into the school system.

Some might counter that life is generally coercive - we don’t break the law because we fear being punished, we do what our boss tells us or we’ll be fired, and so on. I would argue that actually, many of us do what we believe is right because it is the morally just thing, regardless of the law; and many of us (although not all) have a choice regarding which jobs we wish to take, and therefore we willingly sign up to both the good and the bad - we choose our own prison, if you will. Many of us choose to exist communally because it feels beneficial to the collective (freedom is inherently bounded), and not because we are coerced into it by the government.

The real problem with the coercive nature of schooling is not only that children are coerced while at school, but that children are coerced to attend school. If children had a choice whether to attend or not, then they would also be able to choose whether to sign up to the inherent coercion of that particular school - then they would be able to choose their own prison. But by and large, they cannot choose it - because the coercive impact of school extends outside of its perimeter. School compells you to attend it - instead of schools having to prove to young people that they are safe, fun places to attend, they don’t have to because they simply force kids to attend.

So in that sense, school is not like life at all! In life most of us have a degree of choice. We can choose one job over another. We have a say in our government, to an extent, so we do in fact have recourse if we disagree with certain laws or the way things are done. We possess freedom of speech, and we can protest (although let’s check in on that one in a year’s time, ugh.) We’re able to gather with others to champion certain causes, and write to our representatives. Children in schools have none of these things; schools are overall not democracies.

So what if some kids do okay with coercion? Sure, perhaps some do. Perhaps they feel like they’ve chosen to sign up to the degree of coercion that exists, and are okay with it. Great for them! But what I suspect is that the children who ‘do well’ with coercion, are the ones who don’t have a choice but to be there. And that speaks more to the lack of resources and equity in our society, than to the kind of child who might thrive in a coercive setting.

And even assuming some kids do okay, does it make it right? Just because something is happening, and some people are okay, does not make the thing ethical.

Is harm prevention a choice?

Which brings me to my next point: many children are impacted because of the coercion that is baked into schooling, and are also impacted further by other elements of school, which are often exarcebated because they have no choice but to attend school. The coercion of having to attend, compounds the coercive (and other) elements of actually being there.

One thing that came up a lot in the messages I got from parents, was the worry, and sometimes conviction, that their child would be harmed by the school system. Some parents spoke about this without even having had their child in school, ever.

Several parents mentioned their own school trauma, or negative experiences of school, and said these informed they decisions to not repeat them with their child. And while this might seems like a choice, in some ways it’s a forced choice: parents talked about how the only way to protect their child from harm was to not engage with the school system at all. For many, alternative private schools were not an option - either due to finances or to not having access to a non-coercive, safe school. And the only other option, is home education.

School discriminates

I chatted to many parents in DMs who mentioned racism and colonial education as a reason for homeschooling. Many of them see removing their child from the system as a choice, but is it really when the system in question was built without you and your children in mind? Is it really a choice when it was arguably built to perpetuate the coercive systems that are already in place: colonialism, capitalism, patriarchy?

Several parents worried that their Black, Brown or Indigenous children would not get a good education, due to a combination of discrimination, lower standards and lack of resources in their local schools, issues with the way some subjects are taught (such as whole word language, or whitewashed history), and bullying or a feeling (which is reflected in the statistics on students of colour in the US) that their children are less safe or unsafe.

latinxparenting

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Sara, who contacted me, told me about their non-binary child being mistreated by staff at their local school, and how their sibling was getting into trouble attempting to stand up for them. She removed both children from school. This is an increasingly worrying issue as we head into a Trump presidency, and support for queer kids inside and outside of schools will start to wane even further.

Other parents of queer and gender nonconforming children also said that the school’s, teacher’s and/or other student’s attitudes towards their child was a major reason they felt they had no choice but to home educate. The lack of understanding and accommodations for their child, as well as them being subject to bullying, contributed a feeling that school was unsafe.

Neurodivergence, disability and mental health

When I asked people to reach out about being forced into home education, the vast majority of respondents spoke about neurodivergence, disability and mental health (and sometimes all three) being the reason why their child could not attend school.

Several parents talked about how their local school refused to accommodate their child, and they were left with no choice but to look for alternatives.

One mother, Malika, talked about the way her child’s anxiety and neurodivergence makes it really hard for her to attend. Their local public school was a no-go, and forest school also didn’t work for their child. Malika feels that her connection to her child is being harmed by the pressure she feels to push her child to attend a setting.

Alicia recounts working for an anti-bullying charity, and witnessing the amount of parents that need to home educate so that their child won’t be subjected to bullying that was impacting their mental health. Several parents reached out to talk about the mental, emotional and physical harm their child suffered due to bullying at school.

Kat’s daughter is ADHD and has a chronic illness, and their local middle school’s only accommodation was online learning, which didn’t work for her. And so, they found themselves unschooling - which Kat recognises is both a privilege, AND a forced choice. She recognises that for her daughter, who misses the social aspect, school is actually a privilege she doesn’t have. When we talk about privilege, it works both ways.

A mother with a disabled child spoke about school being an option, but simply not a good enough one. At home, her child can rest when she needs to, eat when she’s hungry, and is not subject to being regularly overstimulated. Perhaps school wouldn’t be harmful, but it wouldn’t be pleasant either. She says her child wouldn’t be able to recount what happened at school, and this is a huge worry for her because how would she know her child was safe? These concerns are so valid. Why wouldn’t you homeschool, if you could and felt it would work for your family?

livedexperienceeducator

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I spoke to several parents who challenged their local schools to accommodate their child’s needs, and the schools either refused or were unable to, or it started to take a huge toll on their family that they were basically compelled to home educate. Several parents spoke about how attendance became an issue because their child either couldn’t or wouldn’t (arguably these are often the same thing) go to school for a variety of reasons to do with anxiety, stress, burnout and more, and the school district was really inflexible about absences which essentially pushed them to pull their child out of school. Some of these parents were school teachers and administrators themselves, believed in the public school system, and would never have dreamed of homeschooling until it became obvious they had no other choice.

The number of people who were pushed into homeschooling by the schools themselves should not be discounted.

I chatted to Dahlia via DM, and she said this (shared with permission): “I attended public schools, I taught at public schools, I advocated for public schools… and after a year and a half, they epically failed my oldest kid. They gave up on him and just stopped trying. The district violated so many IEP protocols, and we eventually hired a lawyer. I kept saying we were going to keep up the fight because someone had to hold the district accountable, and they were doing the same thing to so many other kids. But in the end, we settled the case and decided to homeschool. I hate feeling like we were “forced” to homeschool because ultimately it’s been the absolute right decision. But I do feel immensely sad that there were no other options. Neurodivergent and disabled kids deserve so much better.” Dahlia’s child was betwen 5 and 7 years old when they were going through this.

Many of these parents feel like their child would be significantly harmed if in school - in terms of mental health, physical health, self-esteem, academics and just as a human being; and many others tried as hard as they could to make school work and were driven out by a combination of school’s inflexibility, lack of resources or willingness to make changes and accommodation, and arbitrary rules that the school was bent on enforcing.

When I first asked my IG community about this, I was not expecting the absolute flood of DMs I received. I would say that the most represented group were parents of neurodivergent and disabled kids, and within that group the largest sub-group were parents of PDAers. (If you want to know more about PDA, I’ve written more specifically about it here and included some resources.)

I totally relate to this group of people, because one of my children fits this profile (and maybe I do to?!) These parents spoke about school refusal as something that affected not only their child, but their entire family.They spoke about the ways school refusal is pathologised and misunderstood, and the shame that is attached to it. Eliza Fricker and Naomi Fisher have done amazing work around de-pathologising and reframing the refusal of children to attend school - check out their books and writing.

Why, after all, do we not understand that some kids might not want to go to school? Why do we assume all children should unquestioningly attend? Why do we persist in packaging school refusal as a mental health issue rather than youth resistence, rather than our children telling us something we should be listening to?

I’m so grateful for the parents of PDA children for sharing their experiences with me; the ways their children refused to be controlled, compelled and manipulated, and the ways these parents were able to make space for their child’s unique needs and voice.

naomicfisher

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When the reasons are many

One parent spoke about the way their local schools are unsuitable: they claimed the teaching is archaic and out of step with what we know about how children learn, the schools are punitive in their approach and their private option are religious. They mentioned how neurodiversity is not properly understood, and how there are active efforts in their community to close their local library due to anti-LGBTQ complaints. All of these reasons combined means they feel homeschool is their only choice. I mention them here because this person has not only one main reason, but multiple ones that are both personal and systemic, to pull their child out of the system.

And actually, most of the parents I spoke to had a combination of reasons. One mother said both racism and poor accommodations for her autistic child were the reasons; others gave a long list of reasons, some of which felt non-negotiable, and some of which were added bonuses.

Something that came up in my research, was the way we see choice/no choice as a binary, when actually it isn’t. Some of us say we chose to home educate (I would put myself in this category, as do several parents I spoke to) and some of us say we were forced into it (many of the parents above said they felt forced or pushed into it, like they had no other choice.) And while those things are both valid, there is SO MUCH grey in between. And sometimes, it can be both.

When I look back, yes, this was a choice for us, AND the education system is also a “dictatorship of no alternatives” and so in that sense, none of us really have a range of free choices that are accessible for us and our children, and that don’t also funnel public funding to private schools, further increasing disparities and discrimination (“school choice” is not it!).

What does it mean to choose between two potentially unsuitable, non-ideal options? Is that really a choice?! Do any of us really choose to home educate, if the alternative is harmful?

Is the problem that good enough is no longer good enough? That what used to be normal is now considered harmful?

This is an interesting point that came up in my conversations with parents. Is part of the issue that we just want more for our children than perhaps previous generations expected? Is it that, in some ways, we’re more picky?

Is it that what previous generations simply saw as part of growing up, that they perhaps figured was a good enough education, we are no longer willing to accept as normal and okay for our children?

In other words, have our standards of what constitutes harm, and what constitutes a good environment for our children, risen?

I’m not going to try to answer this questions here. It will need to be another post! But I would love to hear your thoughts on this, if you have any. I suspect many of us would push back on this narrative, or at the very least see it as a good thing that we have higher standards, that we have more time and space to really think hard about how our children are spending their days and whether it’s ultimately a good thing.

I started this piece talking about the fundamentally coercive nature of school, and yet you may have noticed that those of us who remove our children from school primarily due to its coercive nature, often don’t view ourselves as being forced into homeschooling. The reasons people talked about above were more to do with discrimination, lack of accommodation, bullying, and so on. They were more to do with what happens in school, rather than about the essence of school.

This poses an important question: it seems like coercion alone is not a valid enough reason for us to feel like we’re forced out of the school system, even though technically, noncoercion might be considered a baseline children’s rights issue. Or at the very least, shouldn’t our children all be given a choice whether to enter a coercive institution?

itsthatparent

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And let’s not forget that most people are stuck with it

I want to mention this because almost everyone who shared how they felt there was no other choice but to home educate, also acknowledged how privileged they were to be able to do it. This doesn’t mean they aren’t making a ton of sacrifices - they absolutely are - it just means that there are plenty of families out there who wouldn’t be able, or wouldn’t feel they had the resources or ability, to pull their child out of school. And so their child, who perhaps would do so much better at home or in another non-school setting, remains in mainstream school. They are stuck with it - and this shouldn’t have to be any caregiver’s, and any child’s, experience.

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My next piece is going to look at how it feels to home educate, essentially against your will. Is this an ideal solution? Do some people feel forced into it and enjoy it in the end? Are some just stuck between a rock and a hard place? Is coercion alone a reason to feel like school is simply not an option?

And I’ll look a little deeper at the quesion I posed above: is it that more of us recognise the harm of schooling, or that we simply have a lower threshold for what consitutes harm?

And if it’s the latter, is it that we’re forced to homeschool, or that we simply have higher expectations school no longer fulfils?

So many questions.

Thank you for reading!! Please leave your comments below, I would love to discuss more.

Fran x